A couple of years ago I was really struggling in my relationship. Struggling to feel safe and calm even when nothing was wrong. I would feel an urge come over my body to run and flee out of nowhere. It was so bad, that after a great date with my partner, I would contemplate ending it with him.
As someone who teaches listening to your intuition I was at a loss. My body was clearly speaking to me, something I don’t take lightly, and yet my heart and mind had no reasons or justification to support leaving my relationship.
I reached out to some colleagues who were in the same coaching program as me and shared about my struggle. One of them, Becki, immediately lit up when I told her. She said she could relate and asked if I had heard anything about somatic work before. I told her that I loosely knew of it, as I pictured yoga poses and stretches.
She told us she was in the midst of a Somatic Experiencing training and that it had truly changed her nervous system and created changes in her life that lasted.
All of us looked around in shock at her claim. Becki is not someone to exaggerate how powerful a teaching is.
All us in the circle had been trained in consciousness wisdom teachings and felt pretty grounded in the theory and application of taking simple but wise practices into action.
However, what Becki spoke of was focused on the body and nervous system, something we hadn’t even stopped to consider.
I told Becki I was desperate to feel peace in my relationship. I couldn’t stomach the idea of having another day of my body wanting to run away to a deserted island for no reason other than my partner opening the car door for me or making sure I got home safely.
I wasn’t sure what to expect in my first session with Becki, but I didn’t think it would be sitting still and tuning into my body. In less than an hour Becki was able to help me shift into a state of calm, with zero context no less. I didn’t understand it at the time, but somatic experiencing works with very little background information and very little story.
As a master storyteller, I was appalled that explaining the entirety of my relationship situation wasn’t necessary for Becki to help me.
As we worked together, I learned I air on the anxious attachment style of connecting. This means, in order to protect myself from being left or alone, which I am subconsciously deeply afraid of, I will try to flee the situation before I can get hurt.
So, even though my partner is the sweetest human I have ever met, whom I love so much, my body would send signals of panic to “RUN” if I spent too much time with him.
It was such a difficult and confusing period for me to have my heart saying one thing and my body saying another.
After a few months of working together with Becki I noticed a shift. Weeks would pass by where I wouldn’t experience the urge to run once. When they did come up, they were shorter and less intense. My nervous system was slowly learning to settle around a healthy partner after years of being in toxic situationships.
Most importantly, I was able to really allow myself to settle and feel safe in my relationship. I noticed my self sabotage poke up less and my feelings for my partner grow.
One of the practices Becki used with me that changed my nervous system was called grounding (Full disclosure: I feel in love with somatic work so much I went and got trained last year).
Grounding can refer to connecting to the earth or centering oneself back into the body or the room. It’s usually a moment of stillness paired with focused attention.
In somatic terms, grounding can help the nervous system come back to a regulated state so that we can be fully present.
Now, grounding is more bigger than just the nervous system.
